Paradox, noun, A problem no merehum is smart enough to solve.

My favorite Blog BoingBoing.net posted an interesting logic problem earlier today known as the Newcomb Paradox, and needless to say it peaked my intrest. Link to a complete dissertation and analysis here, I do suggest reading it or you may miss all they 'layers' to this 'onion'. The reader's digest version follows below:

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A highly superior being from another part of the galaxy presents you with two boxes, one open and one closed. In the open box there is a thousand-dollar bill. In the closed box there is either one million dollars or there is nothing. You are to choose between taking both boxes or taking the closed box only. But there's a catch.

The being claims that he is able to predict what any human being will decide to do. If he predicted you would take only the closed box, then he placed a million dollars in it. But if he predicted you would take both boxes, he left the closed box empty. Furthermore, he has run this experiment with 999 people before, and has been right every time.

What do you do?

On the one hand, the evidence is fairly obvious that if you choose to take only the closed box you will get one million dollars, whereas if you take both boxes you get only a measly thousand. You'd be stupid to take both boxes.

On the other hand, at the time you make your decision, the closed box already is empty or else contains a million dollars. Either way, if you take both boxes you get a thousand dollars more than if you take the closed box only.

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Now sure, I'm that arrogant brand of Yeti who thinks he's always right. An egotist until x-day as it were, but I see a simple solution here.

I take the closed box, then reach into the open box and take the $1k bill but leave the box itself. The superior being in question would have accuratly predicted that I would do this. Taking only the closed box with the $1000k and still also take the 1k note without removing the empty box doesn't queer the parameters of the experiment, if it were outside the rules of the situation, he would have predicted I would try this and warned me against it.

Oh sure, some may argue that I'm dancing around the rules on this one, but really: aren't rules only for pinks and other sheep?

Almost Every Goddamn Weekday...

my life goes a little like this.

Semper Infidelis

Who Would Jesus Destroy? One of the most engaging stories of military service told to me by my pal Gun-Nut Gregg has always been his account of being harassed by his DI in boot-camp regarding religion. I may not have all the hard-details right but the jist is that each night after the first few weeks there was a small amount of time for the recruits to attend services in the camp, of which there were christian and jewish varieties available. Being an agnostic ol' Gregg would instead take the time to do some stretching and relaxing instead of attending, as boot camp has been known to lead to a few aches & pains. After a few weeks of this his DI noticed that he wasn't attending services and took a closer look at Gregg's dog-tag. Seeing that it listed him as agnostic he took it up with the recruit immediately:

"Says here that you're not a believer, recruit. Don't you know there are no atheists in foxholes?"

DI didn't seem to understand that the quote in question is anti-war and not pro-God, but perceived wisdom is in the meme of the pink parrot I suppose, and that's not the point anyway. What's notable is that after that when the other men were in service Gregg was given extra drills to perform, since it would not be fair to let him have some downtime while the other boys are arduously praying. This was the crotch of course, no rest for the wicked (or miserable).

Such doesn't seem to be out of the Marine Corps character really though. The not-so-podunk town where I was raised still has the signpost emblazoned "Christian Marine Corps Recruiting Office" on the 75+ year old downtown branch. Others I know who served in the military have noted similar situations. A Jewish (by blood) friend in the Rangers with an atheist tag talks about how his first CO gave him no end of shit about both his race and beliefs. My father was listed as Baptist against his will by influence of his father, who was major brass at the time of Dadu's service. So surprise surprise that now we have this in the news.

Now, maybe I'm just one of those biblical scholars who fails to ignore all the necessary passages to not be miffed by murderous hypocrites, like Psalms 68:30? "Rebuke the company of spearmen, the multitude of the bulls with the calves of the people, until every one submit himself with pieces of silver; scatter Thou the people that delight in war." Sure it commands righteous people to avoid non-militia service and also notes that warhawks are not welcome in Yahweh's communities (and by extension should certainly not put in charge of them) but it is the OLD testament, and as the family of messianic Jews I know who eat bacon love to state: the old covenant doesn't apply anymore because Jesus represents a new covenant.

That argument being total bullshit aside (we'll deal with that subject another day), logically it must then have been Jesus who told people that military service careers are a good way of spreading love to your fellow man, right? I mean if Jesus wasn't a warmonger then we certainly wouldn't have R. Lee Ermey shouting to recruits about how the chaplain has a Christmas sermon in which he'll "...tell you about how the free world will conquer communism with the aid of God and a few marines." Or how "God has a hard-on for marines because we kill everything we see." Forgive me for quoting two FMJ lines instead of the bible for this side of the argument, but I wasn't able to find that passage in which Christ tells Peter not to turn his sword on the soldiers sent to arrest him because he's about to unscrew their heads and shit down their necks.

But historically it seems that the lamb of peace's words have always be used to dull the remorse of those committing the greatest offenses against His love. And the brainlessly pink modern alternative of protesting funerals of dead soldiers is on stupidity-par with stoning rape victims to death. Sure, action isn't necessary since it's just pinks without real souls killing more pinks without real souls, plus action is kinda fruitless. Kurt Vonnegut's agent summed it up best when in regards to KV publishing slaughterhouse 5 as an anti-war novel told him "You might as well write an anti-iceburg novel." But all that slaughter is still a bum trip.

Sure, I'm a firmly-committed scientific-atheist, but that doesn't mean I don't have any respect for what the big J was preachin'. And few things irk me more than large herds of pinks beating their chests about their sacred beliefs while simultaneously desecrating them left and right. Last time I checked there's a very specific word for someone who claims to be in the service of a God while really betraying all that the faith represents. Someone without fidelity...

Now let's be totally clear here. I don't advocate stopping them from believing what they want, that's a government-guaranteed right and the laws of man are higher than the laws of imaginary-man. I just don't want to hear them calling it Christianity in public anymore. So how's an honest being with respect for life go about shutting their filthy infidel mouths? Preaching the gospel is a recipe for failure, they've already edited-out the bits they don't want to hear. Advocating rational thought is just as useless, they shrugged it of before the gospel even got there. Resorting to any level of violence would be self-defeating and ultimately suicidal. The answer my mind keeps coming back to is shaming them. And since they will shrug off the judgements of unbelievers we are left only to act through mockery.

So next time you see some street-minister advocating war with islam, sending troops overseas to kill children or secure natural resources call them out, and do it with zazz. My personal favorite is to out-scream them mid-rant with a smattering of the following phrases. Most of these will both humiliate the hater and draw the crowd to your side of the pulpit. Mix and match to your own liking:

"Did Jesus tell you himself that they need to die for America?"

"Using Jesus's name for war is a perversion of his love!"

"Yeah, let's kill those Samaritans, just like Jesus would have!"

My personal favorite (and a great ender)

"Only the Devil would twist Jesus's words into hate. You are not welcome in our community/house/church. Get thee behind me, Satan!"

Shame them, mock them, humiliate them, and when the pulpit is yours spread the real good word: that sardonic disrespect is more humane than violence, and that Jesus advocated turning the other cheek.

Just so we're clear about the bearded holy men out there...

minato, originally uploaded by jimjoneswannabe.

Apologies to SomethingAwful.com as the hard work of their goons will no doubt be reprinted here regularly.

Are you there "Bob"? It's me, Andre...

Greetings & salivations young brain-dead drooling pinks and a hearty chuckle to you fellow smartass anti-theologians. Contained hereafter are the unschedulable often-offtopic mumblings and guffaws of Revered Andre Brothel, founder of the sacred Mockolyte brotherhood, minister in the holy service of "Bob", shaman to all streetfreaks, living patron saint of druggies. Tune in whenever-y and read or re-read the nonsensical rantings posted herein and find yourself enlightened and/or angered.

To the enlightened: Sure I know some stuff but really, am I the guy who should be molding your thought processes?

To the angered: Fuck you if you can't take a joke, you're not allowed to stain my holy words with your heathen eyes anymore. Get off my lawn.

And remember Brothers, reasoning with the Con and the dupes it feeds has never worked, the path to enlightenment is found through belittling it and them.